The April Project 2005

Thursday, March 31, 2005

(written 04.02.05--12:56 p.m.)

roommate moved out,
his job may not come through
but he didn't want to wait any longer
and be responsible for april rent,
so he began cleaning and packing
and was in his car for the seven-hour trip to buffalo at 9 p.m.


second day of no boog city work
because no funds to print boog city,
so why work on it?
when roommate brings up the mail
and in it is an advertiser's check for last issue's ad
and this coming one's.
so now i have money,
though half of it my own,
since i laid out the cost of last issue,
but i'm going ahead with the working and printing anyhow,
hoping another advertiser who will soon owe for three months,
will come through shortly so i can eat and pay bills again.


stay up too late trying to find a new phone friend
go to sleep a quarter to eight
the pope still alive.

(written 04.12.05--4:34 p.m.)

this was the first day i haven't had a tenant,
a roommate,
a whatever,
in 21 months.
and i didn't run around naked,
or throw a party that utlized the room i succumbed to finances,
i just did what i always do,
turn my powerbook on as i go for first morning pee,
and come back to sit on my futon's right edge,
to surf and write and watch tv.

(written 04.12.05--4:56 p.m.)

brunch with a girl today
because we flirted once or twice
and even though our conversation was awkward those times
i thought that by ourselves it might be better,
because she's cool
and a writer
and nice
and just the right amount of fucked up
to balance out my amount of fucked up.
but the conversation was awkward again today,

(written 04.12.05--5:16 p.m.)

fresh starts today,
as the mets open another season of hope,
only to have closer braden looper throw two homerun balls
in the bottom of the ninth to blow the game,
a short while after my new tenant, roommate, whatever had moved in.

04.05.05--2:18 p.m.

i didn't need a scarf and my leather jacket today
it is such a sweet and beautiful day
i'm eating grapes and the yanks are up 3-1
i think i'll tell anselm that matsui hit a homerun.

(written 04.12.05--5:30 p.m.)

first day back at work after six days off
as since my hours were cut
my commitment to the job has faded,
that and the cold i'm fighting
and the issue of boog city i had to get to the printer yesterday.

(written 04.12.05--5:37 p.m.)

boog city came out yesterday,
and 37 hours later i hooked up with my distributor to get my copies.
three years and three months ago
when the first issue was printed
i went down to the plant with my digital camcorder
to film the red-tinged paper whirring through the printing press.

(written 04.12.05--5:46 p.m.)

two weeks ago
one of my bosses,
the one who cut my hours in half two weeks before that,
asked if i'd be interested in being considered for the admin. ass't. job opening,
and i told him yes,
and brought in the resume he requested.
and then i started to see people coming in to interview for the position,
and i started to answer calls from applicants for the position,
so i thought i'd ask him where i stood,
and he told me that others who he'd seen were more qualified for the position,
and the tone in his voice told me there was nothing i could say to change his mind,
so i told him thank you,
and he praised the work i'd been doing of late,
and as i left his office i thought of what he said,
that others were more qualified than me
to be an admin. ass't.,
to answer the phones,
to type,
and to file,
to answer the phones,
to type,
and to file.

(written 04.10.05--2:57 p.m.)

the full refrigerator at my parents' house,
i mean, i don't need the fancy stuff in it,
but it's nice to be able to toast a bialy
and cover it with some cream cheese,
and throw a couple of diet ice tea snapples over ice
as a post-saturday night live snack,
very nice.

(written 04.12.05--6:04 p.m.)

the girls at the bar in the coffee house tonight were,
curved and tattooed
i mean, probably less than half my 38 years young, young,
but i'm still looking,
however dirtier i feel.

4.11.05--5:27 p.m.
(sing to whatever tune you like)

she's the girl in the New York Mets earrings
and that's all that I need to know
she's the girl in the New York Mets earrings
let's go.

(written 04.13.05--2:02 p.m.)

before bed apple sauce,
the kind with just apples,
no added sugar,
is so swell,
and lighter than the can of pineapple chunks,
in their own juices,
no added sugar,
that i might've had in its stead for late night desert,
plus i had a clean spoon for the apple sauce,
and didn't have a clean fork for the pineapple.

(written 04.14.05--1:06 a.m.)

when i came in to work today
there was a new face at the admin. ass't.'s desk
who i found out was a temp referred by another co-worker.
and however nice this mike was,
all i could think from looking at him throughout the day
was how they just cut my hours in half
and here they are giving them to someone else.

(written 04.16.05--10:28 a.m.)

home from therapy,
and the gristede's shopping that always follows it,
i think that i'm not going to do my taxes tonight,
that i'm too tired, just wanna watch some tv, and
order dinner in, even though i'm broke,
and then i think about how my tomorrow will be if i don't do them tonight,
how it will be shabbat,
so i'll work until we close at three o'clock,
and then i won't want to go home from work to do my taxes
because then i'll have to come back out
to mail them at the main post office three blocks away.
and i also won't want to do them at work until everyone leaves,
which means waiting until four to start them
finishing at about six.
so i scan through the night's tv listings,
watch survivor at eight,
go into the kitchen afterwards,
turn the radio to 66-WFAN to listen to the mets-astros game,
fill my 24 ounce plastic mets tumbler with some diet rite red raspberry
and begin.

(written 04.16.05--9:52 a.m.)

the celebrity nudes site i regularly surf is updated daily,
with the new additions listed in a menu on the left,
i scan the names each day to see what order i might follow,
as you never really know where your brain might take you
once you click on your first choice.
The last heading listed?
Tyne Daly topless.
(they alphabetize by first name, by the way.)
I'm a little frightened,
but it's the most intriguing one,
so i click on it,
and it's pics from a 1973 movie called The Adultress,
and she looks, well, pretty sexy.

(written 04.19.05--12:32 a.m.)

i blew off risa's birthday party today,
because it was karaoke and dancing at don hill's,
and though i could be ok with karaoke and dancing in doses
the idea of the two of them combined with a club i don't like
--except for that one time when i saw ione skye up close--
and have only gone to with risa
was just too much.
and i'm planning on blowing off her birthday dinner on wednesday, too,
mainly because i don't feel like being social in groups of more than two or three right now,
but also because i don't have the money to pay for myself and chip in for her meal,
and i've thought about going to see ed sanders read at the church,
though i probably won't.

(written 04.19.05--1:09 a.m.)

at the met game with j.p.
the talk turns to the cancer
that he's now free from,
and he pulls his shirt up
and shows me the catheter they've left in his chest
to administer future doses of chemotherapy, if needed.

(written 04.19.05--1:23 a.m.)

broke, i throw on yesterday's outfit
so i can go one more day without laundry
and walk 40 minutes each way
to my psychopharmacologist,
so when they give me the free $4 metrocard
i can use it for unwalkable rides.

(written 04.20.05--1:23 a.m.)

the laundromat i have pick up and deliver my clothes
changed ownership two months back,
and they close earlier now,
so the main delivery guy said i need to call an hour earlier for pick up
if i want my clothes back that night.
so i called at 6:30,
and the woman on the phone kind of understand me,
said someone would be by in 15 minutes to pick up my laundry,
and i began filling my big and little laundry bags,
even filling an old u.s. mail bag i grabbed when i worked for this native american newspaper in haight-ashbury,
and threw on my laundry day clothes--
a clean pair of socks to wear as slippers,
a new pair of sleepy shorts,
and a short sleeve buttown-down shirt i'd yet to send out to get laundered.
and 15 minutes passed,
and when it hit an hour i called,
and she said she hadn't seen the delivery guy
and that he might still be coming to pick up my laundry,
so i wait another hour, until 8:30,
and the delivery guy i know answers the phone,
tells me they've now changed their policy,
that if you want your clothes back the same day
you have to have them picked up in the morning.
i didn't know what to do,
when to get my laundry picked up,
i've been using this same laundromat for over seven years,
and they've always picked it up at 7 or 8,
and had it back to me between 10 and midnight.
so i thought for a few more seconds about when to get my laundry picked up,
and told him i'd have to call back.

(written 04.21.05--11:01 a.m.)

Ladies and gentlemen, Hawaiian Punch.

I can't believe how much I missed it
(i want to give it more than an it,
make it a ship and call it her
as we sail along together to bliss)
but, i mean I can't believe how much I missed her
during this nine-week long new diabetes self-imposed embargo,
but last night at the gristede's in the 11 o'clock hour
before they midnight close
I said to myself I am buying a two-liter bottle of Hawaiian Punch,
and i checked the carbs and sugars
against a 64oz container of Tropicana O.J., original,
and saw that,
as my diabetes literature had told me,
juices are pretty awful for you two
(though I have had orange juice during this time--
on two visits to my parents home
and, in spritzer form, on a visit to my friend's Dan in Albany),
so i returned home and threw the Hawaiian Punch bottle in the freezer,
did my normal in for the night unwindings--
turning the powerbook, TV and cable box on, unforwarding the house phone to the cell phone, cleaning out my body, throwing on my sleepy shorts and shirt, and my slipper-socks, checked my email--
and then grabbed my 24oz Mets tumbler,
went to the kitchen and washed it out
from last night's squeezed lemon in water,
washed out a bowl for some salsa,
opened the freezer,
grabbed five ice cubes and threw them into the tumbler
and took out the Hawaiian Punch bottle,
pouring my first glass of the night,
and replacing the bottle in the freezer,
setting the timer for 34 minutes
and going into my room,
placing the tumbler on the coaster I got in Paris,
laying out some newspaper on my bed,
so I got no crumbs on my bed from the chips to be dipped in the salsa,
and took an eight-ounce sip.

(written 04.24.05--11:46 a.m.)

my sister told me one night two weeks ago
that our parents weren’t going to be with us for passover
that they were going to the jewish home for the aged in Riverdale
(the bronx if you’re not ashamed of where you live)
and i think she told me this in response to one of those questions i still get about the holidays, especially the jewish ones—
“what are you doing for the holidays?”
and I always answer her that i’ll see what mommy and daddy are doing and let her know then.
and she always gets upset, says i can’t make up my own mind, and the conversations ends,
i’ve always looked at my holiday options like this,
i want to be with my parents,
because i like them,
because one day i won’t be able to be with them,
and because it makes my mom happy to have her three children and their children
around her come holiday time,
even if there’s conflict,
and if on a passover second night I again host a seder,
like I did with risa some seven years ago,
then that’s swell,
as long i run it by mom first,
not for some sort of clearance
but more of a heads up.

so, my sister told me one night two weeks ago
that our parents weren’t going to be with us for passover
that they were going to the jewish home for the aged in riverdale
(the bronx if you’re not ashamed of where you live),
and once I talked to my mom to get the confirmation,
give her some good old fashion jewish guilt
--“if i ever would’ve just decided i wasn’t going to be with you on the first night of passover, and then told you after the fact, whooo, i don’t know”—
and then thought of my options,
passover at my sister’s home with her and her daughter and husband,
and my brother and his wife and two daughters.
and really that’s when anyone in a normal family would’ve stopped
(i define normal here as modestly dysfunctional).
but the thing is, the last time i was in her house was last september 15 for the first night of rosh hashanah,
and my brother-in-law drank,
and yelled at my niece for no reason,
and had to be handled by my sister so there wouldn’t be a scene
while there was a scene ensuing
and he was yelling and cursing at her and everyone around him,
and then we’re supposed to sleepover,
and from upstairs where he’s going to sleep
he yells down “get the fuck out of here. they better get the fuck out of here or i’m going to kill them.”
and this continued for a while as my father and i didn’t beat him first
because once we left,
well, because once we left.

so my sister called me today while i was at work,
asked what i was doing for passover or the first night,
i forget how she put it.
and i’d been afraid to call her and tell her,
because i knew how the conversation would go,
after mommy and daddy told me what they were doing
i mentioned it to ian
and he invited me to the seder at his brother’s house.
“now if you don’t want to come, don’t come, but don’t lie to me,” she said.
i’m not lying to you.
and then she reminded me that she had told me about our parents’ plans,
and i apologized, because if i was trying to lie i would’ve done a much better job.
“if you don’t want to come to my house just say so,” she said.
“i don’t wanna come to your house,” i said.

(written 04.24.05--11:40 a.m.)

i went in the refrigerator after work
and started eyeballing the food i couldn’t eat during passover
or the half-opened containers of something that had to be discarded,
and as it was friday brunch time
i took some nonfat, plain, fat free yogurt,
some grape nuts, and some raisins,
and mixed them together in the cereal bowl i had just washed,
while three slices of seven grain bread were toasting,
waiting for some of the last of the open smuckers jar’s
natural, salt free peanut butter,
and i made 61 oz of nestea diet ice tea,
(the top three are just foam)
grabbed it all
(okay, two trips)
turned to the yes network to watch some mike and the mad dog pre-draft sports talk
powerbook on my lap,
three hours or so until i prepare a similar spread
instead of tossing it by the noon tomorrow it’s passover deadline.

(written 04.24.05--11:50 a.m.)
(and 04.25.05—2:20 p.m.

mapquest says i have a one hour and four minute drive to ian’s brother’s house
for the first passover seder
and by the time my dad and i pull up to my folks’ house from the long island railroad
i have 26 minutes to spare,
so i drop my stuff,
check my email
take too long downstairs with my dad,
so my mom yells down plaintively if i’m ever going to come up and say hello,
so i stop what dad and i are doing
run upstairs where mom’s getting ready,
give her a kiss and a hug
(i never know the moment where one precedes the other)
we talk a bit
and she tells me to grab a banana and a drink
for the road and for that time before the festive meal
when it’s praying
and a sip of wine (grape juice for me)
and praying
and a piece of celery dipped in salt water
and more praying
and more grape juice
before you eventually eat.
i told my mom that i had two apples with me, granny smiths,
and a bottle of water,
which, almost done, i refill from their brita,
and then dad’s sending me out in his jeep,
which surprised me, as normally they drive it,
before my mom yells to the door that i should take her pontiac bonneville.

(written 04.25.05--2:40 p.m.)

my folks have off this week from school,
mom an art teacher, dad a teacher’s assistant,
so on the car ride home from the second night’s seder
at my brother’s family’s home,
my mom asks me what i’m doing tuesday
going back to work I said,
do you have to she asked,
i thought we could go to the movies,
and the truth was i didn’t have to,
as my hours being cut i normally only do three-day weeks anymore anyhow,
and if i want to get some extra hours in i can always stay late or come in earlier than my slacker 10ish, becomes 11ish,
and, besides, they even said they’d go see fever pitch again,
baseball and drew barrymore,
if it wasn’t passover and i could eat popcorn it would be a perfect afternoon.

(written 04.26.05--2:20 a.m.)

(sing as if written by Morrissey)

i'm in my parent's house
and i open up the fridge
and it is full of juice

when you've got new diabetes
and don't buy juice anymore
what is a boy to do

so i grab some grape juice
and a club soda too
a spritzer means less sugars

this goes on through the day
spritzer after spritzer
and there's one thing i must say

can i tell you how happy
i am you see
to test my blood sugar every two days.

(written 04.28.05--12:39 a.m.)

about to leave for the movies with my folks
(the fever pitch mom had said she'd see again
having turned into the ashton kutcher-amanda peet
new "when harry met sally")
when mom started to yell
and question
rattling off things she said my father and i should have done
and it was fast
and it was furious
and it was unlike any sorta anger i'd ever seen from her
and the only reason i was at their home that day
is because my mom has asked me to stay another day
so we could go to the movies
but now it was certain we weren't going to the movies
and i was unsure when this yell and question thing would end,
so i finished packing my stuff,
stripped and closed the fountain,
called a cab as she yelled in the background,
and waited outside in front of the house,
my father asking me to stay
that it'd be worse for him if i left,
that she'd be fine in a few minutes,
and the cab hadn't come for a few minutes
so i called them again,
and then a few minutes later,
my resolve having been broken,
my train to the city 12 minutes away,
i call the cab company to cancel,
and go up to the kitchen,
the table set for dinner.

(written 04.28.05--1:18 a.m.)

i'm about to call judy in san francisco
and have phone sex
i ask her to go by another name
in part so i don't have phone sex with a woman with the name of my long-term ex,
in part so she can pretend she's someone i know and want to be with now.

(written 04.29.05--12:40 a.m.)

today i

sang a poem to my therapist

got late night im's from risa and my sister asking if they could call
(i love when people know me well enough to not just call after a certain hour)

drank three grape juice & club soda spritzers,
and three more orange juice ones

tried spreading cream cheese on matzoh,
and broke board.

(written 05.01.05--2:57 a.m.)

maneuvered for the four-day boog city production weekend
where i don't leave my apartment and just read, edit, design,
produce the paper,
so i deposit advertisers' checks at commerce bank,
so they'll clear in time to pay the printer next week,
go to the drugstore to pick up the rest of my lithium,
it's not there, so i get my income verification paperwork notarized for my building,
turn it in,
and head to my gristede's for some weekend rations,
a lot of diet pepsi and sierra mist free two liters,
a bunch of fruit,
$15.67 worth of grapes at $2.99 a pound,
and i put it all away
before heating up some kosher chicken my mom had given me
for passover easy eats,
and nuke a couple of baked potatoes, salt them,
and sit down to a night of random television,
before hardcoring on the paper beginning tomorrow.

(written 05.01.05--2:56 a.m.)

i promised myself last night that i'll shower tomorrow morning,
and i fall asleep watching tv at around 430,
take off my hopefully unbent glasses
and place them on the nightstand next to my pad and pen,
before my alarm goes off at 10:08
(i set my alarm eight minutes ahead, always)
and i snooze it for a half hour,
and the reset it for an hour later,
and when i finally make myself get out of bed
around 11:30,
i pee and then go to my powerbook,
read my emails
surf the morning papers,
and check the porn site and blogs i always check,
tell myself i can shower tomorrow,
i'll still be energized enough to work on the paper today,
before gathering up clean clothes and my tevas,
and showering.